Changing the Mindset

Harav Hagaon Yehuda Wagshal Shlita

This week’s parashah discusses the ben sorer u’moreh, who, Rashi says, deserves to die not because of his sins to date, but because of the sins he will invariably perform in the future: בן סורר ומורה נהרג על שם סופו הגיעה תורה לסוף דעתו, סוף שמכלה ממון אביו ומבקש לימודו ואינו מוצא ועומד בפרשת דרכים ומלסטם את הבריות. אמרה תורה ימות זכאי ואל ימות חייב.  From the behavior the ben sorer u’moreh exhibited in his youth, the Torah foresaw that he would continue along this path, until there’s no hope for him. The Torah therefore says that it is preferable that he die innocent than that he die guilty.

The Gemara (Sanhedrin 88) notes that there is a way out for the ben sorer u’moreh, through which he can be saved from the fate of death: בן סורר ומורה שרצו אביו ואמו למחול לו מוחלין לו. If his parents can find it in their heart to forgive him for what he did to them, their mechilah is effective in averting his death sentence.

The Shem MiShmuel asks, how can that be? A ben sorer u’moreh is not killed because of what he did to his parents; he is killed על שם סופו! How, then, can the mechilah of the parents help?  It must be, answers the Shem MiShmuel, that if the parents are mochel, the future that the Torah predicts for this ben sorer u’moreh will also change.  Why, he asks, does the Torah predict such a dismal future for this boy? Doesn’t everyone have the possibility of doing teshuvah, including a ben sorer u’moreh?

He answers that the ability to do teshuvah and change one’s ways is purely in the zechus of the Avos hakedoshim. When a person is connected to the chain that begins with Avraham, Yitzchak, and Yaakov, he can access the purity they transmitted to us and access the power to do teshuvah. That’s the reason the Midrash says that only Klal Yisrael have the possibility of teshuvah; a non-Jew does not, because he does not have what to go back to.

It is true, continues the Shem MiShmuel, that every person has the opportunity to do teshuvah. But a ben sorer u’moreh, who detached himself from his ancestral chain by stealing from his parents and rebelling against them, forfeits this ability to do teshuvah. If, however, his parents forgive him, they can reconnect him to the chain. That eliminates the dismal future that the Torah envisions for him, as he now regains the ability to repent.

Perhaps we can add another dimension to this explanation of the Shem MiShmuel.  Rashi’s wording is: הגיעה תורה לסוף דעתו — the Torah grasped the ultimate daas of the ben sorer u’moreh, and foresaw that he would go from bad to worse, until there is no hope for him. But what does this have to do with his daas? Shouldn’t it say that the Torah grasped what his actions would ultimately be — הגיעה תורה לסוף מעשיו?

To understand this, let us consider the passuk in Tehillim, in Shir Hamaalos, כִּי עִמְּךָ הַסְּלִיחָה לְמַעַן תִּוָּרֵא. Rav Gifter wondered why Hashem’s selichah would bring us to fear Him — on the contrary, if Hakadosh Baruch Hu does not forgive us, that should scare us! Now that He does forgive, why would His forgiveness evoke fear?

Rav Gifter explained that when a person sins and realizes he low he fell, he feels stuck and hopeless, and gives up. In this state of despair, a person can’t bring himself to fear Hashem. Yirah is possible only when a person feels that there’s hope. That idea is expressed in the words כִּי עִמְּךָ הַסְּלִיחָה לְמַעַן תִּוָּרֵא, which convey that since Hakadosh Baruch Hu forgives us, we have hope, and we can therefore fear Him.

This idea can be applied to the ben sorer u’moreh as well. The ben sorer u’moreh stooped to a really low level, stealing from and rebelling against his parents, who took care of him his whole life. The daas of this ben sorer u’moreh, therefore, is one of yiush: “Once I’m here, forget it.” And he gives up on everything.

The Torah foresaw not the future actions of the ben sorer u’moreh — there can be worse aveiros than the ones he will ultimately perform — but his future daas. He’s in such a low state of mind that he’ll never be able to pull himself up and come back to the right derech, and that’s why the Torah says that he should die innocent rather than dying guilty.

If so, we can better understand the Gemara’s statement that the mechilah of his parents can overturn his sentence. Upon seeing that his parents are prepared to forgive him, the ben sorer u’moreh thinks to himself, “Look what I did, and still, Tatty and Mommy are willing to be mochel me. That means they value me for what I am, despite what I did.” This dispels his yiush, his negative daas, and now he can indeed do teshuvah and change his mindset, in much the same way that Hashem’s selichah inspires a person to yirah.

That’s the lesson of the ben sorer u’moreh, and it’s an important message for parents: The mechilah and sense of value that parents show their children is what will give them the koach to pull themselves out of possible yiush and return to avodas Hashem.

This is really a lesson for every person vis-à-vis himself as well.  Sometimes a person wants to change his ways, but he feels hopeless when he sees where he is, the madreigah he is on, and he doesn’t have the daas, the motivation, to even try. And sometimes a person has to be mochel himself and value himself. That will help him change his daas, and once he does that, he can continue the process of כִּי עִמְּךָ הַסְּלִיחָה לְמַעַן תִּוָּרֵא.